Stars
by AllieLoveFinchel
Summary: Rachel is just going through the motions in LA until a new man comes into her life. What would Finn think? CANON SEASON 6 FINCHEL: Rachel writes Finn a letter to sort out her feelings towards a new man. ONE SHOT


**I'm not expecting much response to this...I'm very aware it's a hot button topic for Finchel shippers. It's a hot button topic for me personally...that's why I wrote it...to sort out my feelings. So much crap has been being talked lately thanks to the rumors of a new LI for Rachel (and not to mention Lea's personal life, which I will not be discussing because she is a real person and it's simply not my place or my business. I assume the vast majority of us have never been in her position and God willing, never will, so it's not really our place to say anything.)**

**Anyway, I've been a Finchel shipper since the very first episode and have disliked them with any other person since. I HATE the thought of Rachel with someone else, but the reality is Finn is no longer an option. Personally I'd rather a new guy just be alluded to and we can make of that what we will, but love and sex sell so the likelihood of her having someone new in season 6 is very high. I wrote this to help me sort out my feelings about that. It helped me, hopefully it will help you. (And if it helps you with your feelings regarding Lea in real life, great. Please don't harass the poor girl, she's been through enough).**

**If I continue to write, this is will be the only fic EVER that will deal with Finn's death. PROMISE. I much prefer worlds where our Finn is alive and his adorkable, awkward, dreamboat self :)**

**Title and lyrics from Grace Potter and the Nocturnal's "Stars". To say I'm obsessed with that song would be an understatement. (Do I even need to say I don't own Glee? Cause I surely don't).**

* * *

_I can't look at the stars, they make me wonder where you are_

_Stars up on Heaven's Boulevard_

_And if I know you at all, I know you've gone too far_

_So I, I can't look at the stars._

The first time she sees him she feels butterflies in her stomach. It leaves her breathless for a moment because, well that's something she feared she was incapable of feeling anymore. It makes her turn and run for her trailer as fast as she can. She hides under her blanket until her assistant barges in and demands for her to return to set.

She gets better at dealing with the butterflies. He's fun to work with and he treats her like Rachel, not like _the_ Rachel Berry like everyone else. He's so nice, but when she smiles back at him or giggles at his jokes she always _always_ feels that bone crushing guilt that's keeping her up at night.

She hasn't been able to sleep since she met him. Not that she was sleeping well before. The makeup artists on set have made a few snarky comments to her about the bags under her eyes, but she just ignores them. How could she possibly sleep?

What would he think of her now?

It's these thoughts that haunt her at night as she tosses and turns. She can't look out the window, she won't. She can't look at his star. Would he be hurt? Hurt that she's accepted another man's invitation to dinner on Friday night? Hurt that she's actually excited about it? Excited about something for the first time since...well since the day _everything_ changed.

She's going crazy. She finds herself wishing she could just talk to him, but she immediately scolds herself. That type of thinking won't help anyone. It's not possible. He's gone.

Why is the world so cruel?

She remembers when it first happened, she would call his cell over and over again, just to hear his voicemail message. Eventually his mom canceled the number, effectively breaking that little habit. Sort of. Now when it's three in the morning and she finds herself with her phone in her hand, dialing his number, it's a little old lady who answers. She must hate her. It's never a conscious decision on Rachels part to call, she hopes the old lady knows she means her no harm.

She has to do something before she officially loses her mind. She tosses the covers off and paces the length of her apartment for a bit. She eyes her desk in the corner when a thought hits her.

She sits down and takes a deep breath, staring at the blank page below the pen, shaking wildly in her hand.

Tears are flowing down as her face as writes and writes until her hand is aching. When she's finished she folds the tear blotched paper neatly and presses her lips against it once, before laying down in bed and clutching it to her chest.

She cries. She cries for the future she's been envisioning for herself since she was fifteen. She cries for what could have been, no, what should have been. She cries for the time wasted when he was here. For the lies told and the mistakes made. They were both so young and foolish. They thought they had forever to get it right.

She cries for hours, laying in bed clutching the letter to her chest. The tears eventually stop. There comes a time when there's simply no more left to cry.

She hasn't looked out the window at night in a long time, but for some reason she's being pulled to the large window in her bedroom. The one that's taunted her for so many nights.

She exhales slowly and opens the blinds. The night sky is beautiful, glittered with stars in every direction, but there, straight above her in the center of it all, is one star she can't take her eyes off of. It's just a little bit bigger and a little bit brighter than the others. She knows it's meant for her.

She lays back down in her bed with the blinds still open and falls asleep immediately. She doesn't wake once until well into the next morning. She wakes feeling rejuvenated and rested. She feels a sense of calm around her that she hasn't since...before.

She kisses the folded letter one more time before tucking it safely away in the back of her desk drawer.

That afternoon when she sees him at lunch, she smiles, wide and genuine. When he returns her smile and asks if she's okay, she can't help but grin. She turns her grin up towards the sky, silently thanking Finn, before exhaling and meeting his gaze.

"Yes. I'm okay."

And she means it.

* * *

_My Darling Finn,_

_I miss you so much. I miss you every second of every day and every night. I carry you with me always. You know that right? I hope you do._

_I'm so angry. Why were you taken from me? I had so many plans for us, so many plans for our future. I never said the exact words to you, but I know you knew. You always seemed to know what I was thinking without me having to say the words out loud._

_I'm so proud of you, you know. For finding your dream. You were finally on your way Finn. I'll never understand why that was taken away from you._

_Everyone thinks I'm okay. I'm not. I'm the furthest thing from okay. I put on a brave face for everyone. For my friends, our families, the world. I've gotten quite fantastic at it...I always was a gifted actress after all._

_I_ don't _know what else to do._

_I never said I was sorry did I? For last year? For Brody and for everything before that. We made a lot of mistakes didn't we? We hurt each other unnecessarily a lot. We were young. We were learning. I believe we were on our way to getting it right. I know in my heart we were._

_You told me once that I was your muse, that you would ask yourself, "What would Rachel do?" before making a decision. I do that now...with everything. I think of you in every decision I make._

_Are you disappointed in me? Angry with me? I told you once I wouldn't go to LA with you and yet, here I am. I hope you understand. Please, please understand._

_I haven't been with anyone since you left. Haven't even kissed a man when it wasn't part of a script. I lay awake at night and think of you. Remember your lips on mine and your hands on my skin. Every inch of my body and my soul aches for you. No one will ever compare to you. It's simply an impossibility._

_I met someone recently, at work. I don't know where it will go or what it means, but I think I like him. Is that okay? I'm so worried you'll hate me for having feelings for someone else. I'll love you forever no matter what. I need to know you understand that. No matter what I do or who I may be with, nothing will ever change the way I feel about you. You're my Finn and that's something that will never change._

_He makes me laugh and he makes me feel good. That hasn't happened in so long. Not since you. I think he's a nice guy. I imagine you would like him. It feels good to have someone treat me like me again. The me before the worst thing possible happened. Everyone treats me so differently now. But to him, I'm just Rachel. Just like I was to you._

_I wish you could tell me everything will be okay. That I'll be okay. It's so hard to know I'm doing the right thing without you here to talk to. Everything I do now I do for you, I just want you to be proud of me._

_Please tell me I'll be okay._

_I love you._

_Forever yours,_

_Your Rachel *_

* * *

_I lit a fire with the love you left behind_

_And it burned wild, and crept up the mountain_ side.


End file.
